


Roses in flames

by little_noise



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Artist Catra (She-Ra), Blood and Injury, Catra (She-Ra) Needs a Hug, Catra on the other hand - matured and can be soft, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hanahaki Disease, I suppose, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Useless Lesbians, adora is in denial, because of course she is, but it's because she had it rough
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:14:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27964370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/little_noise/pseuds/little_noise
Summary: Her chain of thoughts is shattered when she hears familiar, low, raspy voice - voice she missed all those years, which at the time was her only source of relief.„Hey Adora”
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 36





	1. “There ain't language for the things I've seen”

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there,  
> I have to warn you before going further - English is not my native language so I can't guarantee quality of this fic and this is my first work. Possible typos or double spaces.  
> There will be mention of violence/abuse, hanahaki here will be hurtful but not gore.

Adora is scared. Mostly. Her mind is in very different state right now, if she could compare it to something it would be this funny comic Bow showed her someday with cute dog sitting right in the middle of burning room with a glass of water. Yes. She had VERY mixed emotions. She spended years working part time, studying hard to be able to go to her dream University, but now, standing in the middle of her dorm room? Everything started to be overwhelming. Total freedom from now on meant she could go wherever she wanted without being monitorised, she could say what she wanted, and be who she wanted. The core problem was with word ‘WANTED’. She wasn’t that dense to deny all her feelings, but otherwise was blind to some great amount of them, thanks to all conditioning which occurred in her life. Thank god her friends were here. She should probably talk to them about this and try to sort all those feelings. Her chain of thoughts is shattered when she hears familiar, low, raspy voice - voice she missed all those years, which at the time was her only source of relief.

„Hey Adora”

Adora jaw drops as she stares shocked at…Catra. This Catra. Her Catra. Well. Maybe not her anymore. She looks up and down, noticing how brunette changed in all those years. She was…um, more grown up, and also…more feminine…Adora became flustered at her own inability to admit that yes, Catra did become beautiful…ekhm… hot young woman and THIS made her even more confused but she had a big bag of confusing emotions and she clearly wasn’t ready to start unpacking it right now. She does notice tho that Catra is glancing at her from up to down and smirking little. There is only a little height difference between them, Catra is still lean but muscled, her hair still have great volume but are now well-kept ringlets, her beautiful mismatched eyes – one blue, other golden - are still holding that glimpse of mischief.

„You dumb face almost made me say some cliche bullshit like ‘cat got your tongue’”

Adora isn’t ready to hear that in such harsh voice. Catra seemed….angry? She passes her without hug or at least shaking hands and starts unpacking her bag and putting clothes to their shared wardrobe.

Adora is just standing there, dumbfounded on what’s going on, but other girl doesn’t say anything through rest of the day and goes to sleep quite early as for her. Adora catches herself at that thought and has to admit that there’s possibility that she doesn’t know Catra as much as it was years ago. She can’t read her that well too. She appears to be angry but is suprisingly quiet for ‘angry Catra’. All this situation is hut-wrenching and she knows that discourse between them is necessary. With that she goes to rest, deciding to talk with her friends and then Catra and clarify all this situation. Sleep isn’t coming tho. She’s laying in her bed and reminscing all those years with Catra.

When she met her for the first time she thought they will surely become enemies. This thin kid with tan skin, mesmerising two colored eyes and bush on the head instead of hair was mean. Not solely to Adora, but to everyone. Most of the kids just did isolate themselves from Catra and didn’t care about her being mean. And of course there was Adora, that blind fool who tried to bring justice to their small world. So rapidly she became only kid who actualy did chat with Catra but it was only to scold her for her behavior. When Catra become tired of blonde’s nagging, she started to speak in Spanish, so Adora couldn’t tell if she was saying something mean, but other girl did see through it quickly and came back to rebuke Catra. Their confilct wasn’t that heated, they were just a bunch of kids at the time, some even considered it as friendly bickering or babbling.

But it all changed at one night. Adora would wake up only to notice that Catra’s bed – which was next to her own – was empty. She assumed that this little brat was up to no good so she went to look for her. While walking near their caretaker office she heard muffled noises. It picked her interest so she started to approach the office door. What she heard made her freeze. Someone was screaming. Or sort of struggling to. What’s worse, they were coming from Weaver’s room. Even young Adora could notice that it was reeking alcohol from inside.

„You fucking idiot, you thought that you can escape so easily?! No, Catrina, I’m always watching you…maybe you want your new friend Adora to share your pain, huh…?”

Adora did stop in tracks when she understood true horror behind those words. She heard weak voice who tried to talk through sobbing

„She’s not my friend! She’s my enemy!”

Loud laugh escapes Weaver at those words

„Such a brat, such strong words. Don’t worry, I will make sure that you’re alone in your pain”

Then only sound which was piercing through silence was Weaver using her sharpened stick. Adora heard about it. There were stories among kids about how it could cut through skin and make you bleed. There was even this one kid, Octavia, who didn’t have an eye thanks to it.

Adora speedily hides herself in hallway near cabinet and waits for Catra to come out of the room. It takes few minutes and she’s thrown out through the doors. When she is sure that office door was closed again, she rushed to Catra.

Brunette looked terrifed, embarassed and angry when Adora approached her but blonde didn’t give her chance to open her mouth.

„Shhh, be quiet and come with me, I will take you to your bed” she said in shushed whisper.

Catra miraculously didn’t said anything. She just let Adora help her. Blonde slowly wrapped brunette arm around her shoulders and with other she holded her by waist, only to be stoped by hiss from Catra. 

„My back….don’t touch or look at them”

Adora in fact never did saw other girl’s back after this incident. Catra was always cautious to not show it, even a little. 

And from that night Adora become Catra’s only friend. She was still mean to the other orphans but with time become complete sweetheart to Adora. She really could be a wonderful and caring person if someone was patient enough to see it. Blonde kid did understood whole Catra’s act and kind of did respected that. Unfortunately she was still beaten by Weaver and if Adora only suggested helping or standing up for her, was immediately shut down by brunette. She couldn’t do much about it, knowing how stubborn Catra could be, so she tried to help in different way, by stealing first aid kits so her hurted friend could tend her wounds neatly, did watch out or observed what Weaver was up to, and at some point they started sleeping in one bed, reassuring each other with just their presence.

Now all grown up Adora felt lonely sleeping in her bed because of those memories, and what was worse – Catra was laying in a bunk next to her.


	2. “Tell me, how do people know what is hurt, what is love?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should note that Univeristy in this fic is based on European system, tuition free and probably with some differences in structure overall.

Catching Catra is harder that it seemed at first. She doesn’t know what major she is, she didn’t have that much personal stuff so it’s hard to guess. She comes to their dorm room late at night, usually when her roommate is fast asleep. But Adora does wake up really early so when on Friday, she doesn’t have to go to uni, she waits in the kitchen for Catra, with cup of some herbal, calming tea. Shaking a little.

When Catra finally emerges Adora sits stiff and is lost in her own prepared questions and sentences. She finally prompts tho

„Uh Hi-i Catra, um could you maybe um spare a minute for a talk with me”

Catra is CLEARLY amused by this situation and trembling ball which her roommate is right know, but when she notices that Adora’s shaking only increases she stops smiling, going again into somewhat neutral but not hostile state and says

„So, talk”

It takes minute for Adora to understand it was command.

„Uh I kind of get that feeling that your somehow angry with me…? And I don’t understand why exactly…?”

She’s looking anywhere but Catra.

„I’m somehow angry with you…? Oh I’m so sorry Princess to hurt your feelings, but you didn’t seem to care about mine when you didn’t respond to a bunch of my letters or calls, or overall try to reach me after all those years!”

Okay Catra is now looking like normal angry Catra. What a relief.

„What do you mean letters…? …Calls?”

Now they’re both crestfallen.

„I’ve called few times your family house and your parents told me that they will inform you so you could call me back”

Adora is shocked at that. And Angry. She surmise what probably have happened, but first of all

„Wait, you had family phone number? Where did you get it”

At that question Catra seems to become smaller.

„…I broke into Weaver office and copy it”

„YOU WHAT?! DID SHE CATCH YOU?!”

Catra frowns at that.

„It isn’t important right now, Adora what the hell happened if you didn’t know?”

At that blonde frowns.

„I….I was took in by some very religious and strict parents. I didn’t have my own phone, only family one, and I was always monitored when I wanted to use it. Same goes for computer. There was one „family” computer and they were always watching what I was doing…”

Words are coming from her slowly at the begining, shaky, but the more she says, easier they flow. 

„I had to be at house before 6 p.m. and was always sitting in my room which always had to be open, no privacy, my friends where controlled if they were from good families so I only had two of them – Glimmer and Bow who did make me aware that this wasn’t something normal….Yeah, I suppose they didn’t wanted some orphan kid to be friends with their little perfect christian adoptive daughter…if they actually knew your surname it could be actually because you’re…”

Adora gulps at what she’s about to say

„Y’know….woman of color. The would saw you as dirty, useless, lazy brat who would only have bad influence on their ‘daughter’.”

Catra is silent through all blonde’s monologue which is new behaviour for her – normally she would already started cursing at Adora’s family situation, or just her parents, or all foster system. Now she is just watching Adora cautiously, waiting for the other girl to tell her everything she wants, what was boiling in her in all those years.

„They were trying to make me believe in bunch of ridiculous things, saying horrible stuff about people who were not in the same religion as them, they were condemned anything near to topics like sexuality, freedom or something like that. That one gay guy at school? Was constantly beaten up by his parents and my Foster parents always did said that this is how everyone should deal with abominations like him. This, or psychotherapy or even electroshocks.”

At some point she started to sob a little and when she takes a little break, Catra finally moves. She comes up to siting Adora and hugs her softly, leaning her chin on the other girl head and wraping her hands on blonde’s back. It breaks Adora. Now she starts to ramble about everything. About how she hated it but couldn’t do anything. How she was working her butt to come here and be actually independent, first time in her life, but was fucking scared of all this responsibilities and emotions. And finally – how she missed her childhood friend. Through all of it Catra is hugging Adora, doing some comforting circles on blonde’s back, sometimes shushing her and telling to calm down, that everything will be okay when the other can’t say words through violent sobbing. It takes some time but Adora is becoming calmer. When she falls quiet altogether it’s Catra turn to speak. She puts some distance in the hug to look below on her friend and moves her fingers under blonde chin to bring up her line of sight.

„Adora look at me”

When they lock their eyes, Catra starts to speak with soothing voice

„Listen, I’m really sorry. I should talk about it with you at our first day at campus instead of ignoring you. I was hurt because I assumed it was you decision to cut ties with me and I was scared of confirming this. That’s why I choose to avoid you.”

She really did grown up to say things like that bluntly.

„Our friendship really meant everything for me and if you want this I would happily become closer again.”

Adora doesn’t know what to say to that, not because she didn’t wanted it, it was actually the opposite, but she was dumbfounded how this all went easily so of course she asks only question she has in mind from few days.

„So it means you will sleep in my bed with me from now on?”

Catra starts to laugh loudly at that and other girl does understand what she said.

„Wow Adora, I have to admit that your boldness is cute. Way to drag a girl to your bed”

Red faced Adora tries to explain herself

„It’s not like that Catra! I was just thinking how in the orphanage we always did it and how comforting it was…”

At that Catra doesn’t respond immediately, just backs off gently and then assures

„Yeah yeah Princess, I know you meant it in completely innocent way, but I have to update you at few things and this might put a cross to us sleeping together”

„What do you mean…?”

Catra seems somewhat timid to say it.

„Adora…I’m gay”

„Oh”

They stay silent for a few seconds.

„…well…now your crushing on Elizabeth from ‘Pride and prejudice’ makes total sense”

They both laught at that.

„Please, she is sassy bitch but it was just stupid teenage crush and I didn’t know that somewhere in the world is actually Salma Hayek playing Frida Kahlo or Kristen Stewart being this smol partner in ‘Happiest season’”

They continue laughing and joking until it starts to dusk.

„So, what major you’re in here?” Adora asks.

„Art, graphics actually.”

„…graphics? Like these computer ones? 3d? Or you mean like graphic design?”

Catra chuckles. She was asked this question too many times in her life to not have prepared some sassy anwser but it’s Adora who asks.

„Well, none 3D but yes to design. Half of this major is traditional stuff like linocut, lithography, etc. and the other is contemporary stuff like Photoshop, animation, typography, logos, designing publications or books. Plus all this standard stuff which every art major shares – drawing, painting, sculpture, art history, philosophy.”

„Oh”

Adora is impressed. It didn’t occur to her that Catra was artsy type but they were separated when they became teenagers so maybe Catra developed some creative way of dealing with her emotions then. It made Adora feel something similiar to proud. Wait, scratch that, she was actualy proud of her friend if she did assume correctly. She wants to ask about it but maybe it’s little to early for questions like that.

„Wow, Catra, that is really impressive!”

Catra smiles fondly at her friend response.

„What about you Dora?”

Adora can’t stop her grin at shortened name but sighs when telling an anwser

„History”

„History?”

„History”

„…um…well, it probably undervalued major…”

„Oh you can spare me that, I know it’s awful, but it wasn’t my decision”

At that Catra stiffens but thinks it’s maybe a little bit early to dwell on it more, especially after Adora’s earlier breakthrough. But she notes that it is a thing she might want to tackle it later.

„I understand…sorry to hear that though.”

„Well it’s not that bad”

„Look what about it – I will make us some fancy dinner and you will tell me more about…well, everything? How have you been?”

„Deal but only if you will do it too”

They both smile happily at this arrangement, taking small but big step into becoming closer again.


	3. “I wonder about the love you can't find”

It’s Friday afternoon and Catra sits in the couch with Adora, cuddled up onto blonde side. She didn’t change all that much – there was almost no height difference, she was still tormenting her beautiful blonde hairs by putting it in ponytail, but now she did had undercut (she confessed that it was new change for new chapter in her life or something sap like that), her face features where more defined now with her killer jaw, and piercing icy-sky blue eyes. Well, Catra did named them icy now but Adora eyes seemed to change in their density, depending on emotion. Also defined was Adora body. Heck, ‘defined’ was greatest understatement. 

Catra believe it or not wanted to talk to her friend about being all that touchy – perfect example was their positions on sofa right now. At the begining brunette was somehow relucant to allow this – she wanted to share this kind of intimacy with her partner, not her best friend. But after some time she started to make weak excuses for herself like – it’s getting colder and Adora is like portable heater, or there is only one blanket to share (she actualy had one pressed somewhere in their shared wardrobe), besides it was Adora who was always reaching for Catra, brunette was only allowing it. But after a month of talks, sharing bed, couch cuddles Catra encountered…problem. She sits warmed by presence of her buff friend as she starts to feel it. Different kind of warmth. And this warmth is changing and evolving into another things. Sometimes it’s hot burn growing somewhere deep in her core when she watches Adora changing her daily clothes and admiring her Amazonian muscularity. Other times it’s more like fireplace, and it happens mostly when she is watching fondly as her friend tries to focus on difficult task and is doing this absurd thing with biting her tongue or when she’s embarassed by thing Catra said and her cheeks are rosy. Other times its glow when Adora does cute things in her own, mostly stubborn way. 

Blonde probably notices that Catra stiffens a little because she asks

„Hey…eveything alright there?”

„Yeah, just stressing about painting lessons and art history but nothing new”

„You know you can always talk to me about it right? Even if it isn’t that serious, then we can just laugh it off together.”

Yeah and there was some separate burning due to moments like this. When Adora just stops and takes a moment to let Catra be vurneable or just herself, and she sits next to her through whole process of it and is never letting go of Catra’s hand. After her roommate first breakthrough there were times when Catra did get to know more. They told each other how life after adoption went and for both girls it wasn’t easy, but Catra did told Adora that parents that actually had her existence very deep in their asses was way better than those strict religious psycho’s. Both of them were working hard – Catra at her art, Adora at her schoolwork – both of them were working part time jobs so they could afford going into uni, even if both of their foster parents declared that they wanted to support them, but both girls didn’t trust them entirely and better be safe than sorry. After learning all that from each other they were going steady back again into ‘bosom friends’ category. It was until this very moment, when Catra thought that it can be not enough for her.

„I know Dora, but maybe some other time, I’m kinda too tired for rumbling about history stuff”

„M’key”

The fall into brief silence.

„Hey Catra?”

„Mhm?”

„Do you maybe want to…meet my friends tomorrow at lunch break?”

It catches Catra off guard. She wasn’t scared of meeting new people anymore, she was scared of making wrong impression on Adora’s friends or making them don’t like her, and she knew that would be hurtful for her childhood friend.

„Wait do they actually know something about me”

Adora is becoming slightly red at this question.

„Ummm… I did might tell them something about you but mostly standard stuff like that we’re from the same orphanage, that you’re my childhood friend or something like that…”

„Hm…okay and what if they don’t like me?”

„What are you talking about, you’re smart, kind and sassy and I don’t know how you could make them not like you”

„You’re biased Dora, I’m less bitch around you, ask my major group and they will confirm”

„Awww you’re less bitchy with me?”

„Don’t read into it.”

Adora laughs lightly at her embarassed friend.

„Look, they’re very polite and patient people…wait, rather Bow is, but I think you could either like Glimmer because of her sass, or don’t like her because of it…”

„Whoa, are those real names?”

„Yes, I think it’s because their parents were loose enough to let them change it in town hall when they were young?” 

Catra says through laugh

„Whaaat, so they’re stuck with it? Nice”

„Catra. Be kind and don’t laugh about it when we meet them”

„Okay okay, noted…but do you think if those two had a kid they would have called boy ‘Arrow’ and girl ‘Glitter’?”

„CATRA!...Wait…if you think about it tho…”

When Glimmer and Bow see Catra for the first time they both share similiar thought or rather feeling, meaning they’re both suprised that brunette is calm and in some way neutral person? She doesn’t seem to be that emotion fueled sassy brat Adora talked about. Well, their friend did clarify that she can give that vibe at the beginning but it is something like facade. But she also did said that Catra changed and appears to be more matured and even had some friends beside Adora.

They eat lunch together and everything is going smoothly – they’re asking about each other majors and it comes as a surprise when Glimmer says that she’s art major, just like Catra, and they actually spent a good amount of time talking about favourites artists, preferences, techniques. Glimmer isn’t surprised that Catra does have tendency to create quite controversial art, but she understands that in her case it’s not for fame nor recognition. It’s personal choice to talk loudly about stuff society doesn’t like to hear about. Pink haired girl goes even further and shows brunette her own illustrations and with chuckle the other admits that she can see piece of Glimmer in it. It did sounded kind of sweet if not fact that Glimmer put into her works same colors she wears everyday, but she can’t deny that there’s a truth in Catra’s remark.

Bow and Adora are staying quiet, just looking fondly at each talking girl, sometimes showing their affection to each one by grasping their shoulder or nodding for confirmation.

After some time tho Adora and Catra have to leave because of lectures so Glimmer and Bow are siting together a little bit more in contented silence. It is until

“Do you think that Catr-“

“Do you think that Ador-“

They’re looking at each other, doing their ‘couple telepathy’ thing which results in big sigh.

“Yeah, Catra is only thing Adora talks about since their reunion. And it would be perfectly fine. But she’s taking it even farther…and don’t tell me you didn’t notice how touchy she was with her.”

“Mhm, or how Catra reacted with rosy cheeks at that or was stealing fond glances at her from time to time. But I don’t think Adora did ever come out to us…or talk about her preferences in partners at all.”

“There should be some partners to start talking about prefences in them Bow. Maybe she is gay and doesn’t know about? She never had a chance to think about it this way I suppose…”

“Maybe…but Catra occurs to me as liberated gay, I’ve actually did saw some of her works at the workshops. Can we have faith in her…?”

“I hope you’re right about it, because even if she is lesbian, she might just be useless lesbian.”


	4. “I love you, I'm not gonna crack”

Catra had mixed feelings about whole ‘Adora’ situation. Original plan about just spending time with her roommate started to crumble and that’s how this new state of affairs emerged. She did tried to observe blonde and draw conclusions from her behaviour, thinking it would help her decide on what to do. Of course it didn’t help, because Adora seemed oblivious to what she’s doing or rather it was perfectly normal for her. So in general conclusion Catra decided to not act at all, and wait, because maybe she’s misreading some stuff or her childhood friend didn’t even know answers for her questions. All those swinging back from plan to plan was caused by some factors. Firstly – Catra shamefully had to admit that she did have a glimpse of hope that her feelings could get reciprocated. Yes. That’s probably all. Ah, and Adora being all touchy and sweet and everything. Confusion was solely because of Adora.

Unfortunately universe had some other plans for Catra.

It started when those burning feeling became more physical. Then it continued to cause her real bodily pain in her lungs and throat.

At first Catra did took it as a cold. Sure, it was rare for her but still, couln’t be anything else. Maybe some aspirin would help tho. As she’s brushing through different medicines, cough is catching her throat. Nothing new. It starts to be new when she feels foreign body in her glutter. She quickly rushes to the bathroom to vomit whatever it is, piece from her breakfast or just phlegm.

She’s coughing hard on her knees but still no vomit, but weird object comes into her mouth so she spits it to the toilet and she can’t believe what she sees before her.

“….fucking petal?”

Probably from red rose. She pinches herself just to be sure that it isn’t some really strange dream. No. It’s horrifyingly real. Petal is gone when she flushes water, cleans her hands, just to make herself feel better and almost runs to her phone to browse sympthoms on the internet. 

She curses at her own naivety, that she won’t find anything, but it really is unlucky day for her cause she’s wrong. Again.

Hanahaki disease. Rare condition where patient is growing flowers inside their lungs. That’s were petals are coming from. And source of all that? Love. FUCKING. LOVE. Apparently, Catra was so touch starved that she started growing FUCKING FLOWERS INSIDE HER LUNGS. She wants to scream at all ridiculousness of this sick situation. Unrequited love. And only way to treat it is to confess love and get her feelings reciprocated by loved one. Or go to hospital, have surgery and lose ability to feel stronger emotions and never love again that one person. If you’re lucky, because there is 50-60% for that. The other is dying in the process. Sweet.

Catra reads more into it. There were actual people who considered this concept as romantic. She scoffed and could swear that those were people who really saw it as a concept. Only. Because sole process of growing damn flowers in your lungs FUCKING HURT. And Catra wasn’t delicate person, oh no, she actually had it rough enough with her psycho caretaker at orphanage. 

She let a worn out sigh, read a few more articles and couldn’t stop herself at laughing at her whole pathetic life. Because of course this is how it’s gonna end. Years of manipulation and psychical abuse, only to be adopted by people who didn’t give a damn about her, but didn’t say ‘no’ to another source of money (thanks to government), only to finally reconcile with only good thing in her life (Adora) and now, when she did enjoy some of her artistic life and was going steady into adulthood, she will probably DIE. OF UNREQUITED LOVE. Because there is no chance that Adora likes her. Hell, blonde doesn’t even know if she’s gay.

Catra drags hand over her face only to register that her cheeks are wet. Well. Can’t be angry anymore, figures. She closes her eyes and tries to calm herself, even if it is just a little.  
Only to grew more irritated when another petals are making their way out of her lips.

It hurts. In so many ways.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This entire week was bad. Not because of petals. They don’t appear until next week or so. It’s because of thing that makes her appreciate life little more and makes it harder at the same time – Adora. Living in the same room as her is fucking exhausting. At first Catra really tried to act casual, only to discover that if she spent some buddy time with Adora – it hurt. Physically. As some invisible force was trying to expand and at the same time crush her lungs. Wasn’t that excruciating tho, she could live with it if not the thought that it could make all process faster. From what she read hanahaki disease could take years to kill someone (she wanted to be in that group, using all her ‘lucky bastard’ card) or just within few weeks. Sooo, after those first seven days she tried to put a little more distance in her relationship with Adora, with some weak excuses as period, worse mood, schoolwork. Of course Catra was smart enough to do it gradually, heck, she even encouraged her best friend to spent some time with her other friends - she probably hated herself for that but welp, survival instincts did kick in. Source of her looming death didn’t object too much at the begininng – she knew well to respect Catra’s space. Well. At the begininng tho. 

After second week Adora did grow concerned. When Catra did come back Monday afternoon, after „Painting” lessons, her roommate was already waiting for her. She was sitting near the table in the kitchen, with coffee in her hand and her brows furrowed, only to crease them more as Catra entered the room. She froze in place when those beautiful sky blue eyes catched hers and didn’t let go. Slowly Adora sighed and started to speak.

„Catra I know something is not right and you know that I respect your space or way of dealing with your emotions and I know I shouldn’t probably interfere but… Fuck…I’m worried okay? I thought that after being miraculously shifted in one dorm, after all those years in separation it will look…different…”

Her voice grow smaller and quieter at the end and oh, it was breaking Catra lungs. She chocked at her words, which let blonde say even more hurtful things.

„Look, I know you’ve been avoiding me. That’s why I’m saying all those things and don’t even try to deny, it’s obvious even for someone so oblivious as me. I just… I just wanted something more you know, but if this is what you want, if you think we should focus on our other friends, move forward anb become just some sort of pals…I…I will understa-”

God this dumb jock is hurting herself so much now. While Adora was talking Catra was trying to say something already, unable because of some real pain of growing roses in her lungs. But she had to stop this awful madness, and when she at last drew sharp breath she almost spit her own words.

„Adora wait, it’s not like that!” Blonde only now noticed that something was wrong with her friend, but before she could act on it, Catra continued „Okay all of this was awful from me but…um…well, it’s because of my insecurity” Catra reaaaly hoped she won’t regret what she was about to say „You see, sometimes I just…have hard time…there are some…doubtful thougts…or something like that…and sometimes it makes me behave weirdly or spiralling…and I really try to work on how I act…but I don’t know…I don’t know anymore…” She felt tears pricking at the corner of her eyes „..but I was wrong…I’m not trying to lose you again Adora…I just sometimes feel defensive and things led to that some sort of behavior…” 

It wasn’t a lie. She didn’t adress that she was slowly dying of unrequited love, but well, that was making her feel weak and vurneable and what she did – distancing herself was actually her big securing herself mechanism. Because she didn’t need anyone’s pity or help and other shit which comes with that…well, that was what it mostly was about, but in this scenario it held a little more – she didn’t want to make Adora feel bad about all this disease, because Catra knew that her friend would feel guilty. Of course this big buff jock would start another guilt trip and even tried to help Catra if there was a way.

And she knew it meant surgery, or sacrifices from Adora. But sacrifice wouldn’t cure her. And surgery…it was expensive and there was a risk. Death or complete lack of stronger emotions.

„So, I’m really sorry Dora…it’s hard but I really am working on that…”

Her friend was staring at her wide eyed. Well. She probably didn’t expect all that honesty and talk about feelings AND on top of that an apology. Guess two weeks being miserable and away from Adora did things to Catra. 

„Gosh, it’s okay I mean, well, it isn’t if you just shut yourself, but you can always tell me that you know…You need a time alone or something like that and I will respect that….Catra, I thought that I did something wrong, y’know?”

Adora is looking at her with wet baby blues and Catra can’t take it. Despite spiking pain she slowly approaches blonde and takes her in tight hug and whispers rapidly only things she can think of right now „…I’m sorry it’s nothing like that I promise I really care about our friendship about you I’m so sorry …” Adora embraces her with even more force and melts into other girl’s torso, shaking a little, leting little sobs escape her as she listens to reassuring things Catra is saying. 

Brunette curses at herself for being ‘so smart’. She knew how happy her childhood friend was to see her again and how she was litteraly glowing at the idea of growing close again, spending time with Catra…just being with her again. She knew how she missed her, hell, she herself probably missed Adora just as much, and it wasn’t blonde fault that she also had some fucked up christian-racist Foster parents, who shut her from world around, making anxious girl at verge of panic attacks most of her later life. 

After few minutes Adora is calm enough to peel herself from brunette to look at her with those puppy dog eyes

„So are we good Catra?”

Catra swallows petals in her gullet

„Yes Adora, we good. How about this - to make it up to you, even if just a little, we order pizza, make blanket zone on the couch and watch something from your rom com list?”

Adora smiles brightly at the thought of ‘blanket zone’ – they did it when they were at Weaver orphanage together. It was something Catra came up with to help Adora calm herself – she would gather hers and Adora blankets, sometimes even asked Lonnie or Kyle about theirs (where normally she didn’t asked, just take them, but she knew that Adora wouldn’t like it) only to make something sort of a nest where she and anxious blonde would lay down, wrap themselves in those so nobody would see them and just cuddle, enjoying each other warmth and company. Brunette was extremly cautious when they did it, like making Lonnie watch for Weaver but mostly Catra was just observant enough to know what their caretaker was up to – drinking, going outside or just shutting herself in her room to not be disturbed, probably downing some vodka. 

Even after adoption, sometimes Adora would wrap herself in blankets to make poor imitation of their ‘blanket zone’ just to feel a little better, but it did lack one big factor which made her calm – Catra.

„Yeah, I would actually love that” Adora answers looking fondly at her roomate.

„Just give me a sec, I need to wash some of the paint from myself and look like decent human being and not a Warhol painting”

Adora chuckles lightly.

„For me you’re more like Monet’s painting”

Catra brow stretches upward at that. „Scuse me?”

Adora just smiles warmly „Perfect impression of the warmest moments in my life”

Catra blushes profusely and can’t even stutter her anwser that Impressionism was mostly landscapes and not that, so instead she just dissmises it by walking away and saying

„Yeah yeah, who know you would be some artistic sap, you dork. You probably say that to every girl who is stained with paint, don’t you

Adora just laughs lightheartedly

„Well it’s your influence, I do actually like to hear you talking about your art or art history lecture, even if half of it is just you complaining on how much you have to learn on exams to pass it.”

„Yeah, still not my fault for you being a sap. You can choose pizza when I wash myself? I will just eat anything with double cheese” 

„Sure, no problem” and with that Catra finally can go to bathroom. 

Almost immediately after shuting the bathroom doors she vomits petals to the toilet. She feels burning in her lungs, pain taking her for just a moment. She mindlessly looks at petals. Red rose. That’s probably why the pain is so spiking. She’s wondering if the torns from roses can actually kill her from the inside. Maybe they’re just small enough to make her feel more pain instead. She shrudders at the thoughts. She can’t take easier path, can’t she? Brunette sighs rembering those blue eyes. She can’t. She comes to term with her final decision. She will not try again distancing herself. She will probably be in pain most of the time. But at least she will spend some quality time with love of her life before all the things will went down.


	5. “if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones 'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs”

Of course after that serious decision everything takes worse turn. And it is when some guy from Adora’s major group asks her out for a date. Adora agrees. She tells about it Catra after eating their dinner.

“Catra…I have something to tell you”

Of course Catra immediately pick worst of the worst scenarios from her head and starts panicking. And well, ironically one of her scenarios is bullseye.

“Some guy asked me for a date and I’m going tomorrow so I wanted to ask if it’s okay to move our movie night to other day?”

Spikes of hot pain are reaching her throat in no time. It comes in powerful waves but still she stoping herself from coughing another portion of petals.

“Sure. No problem.” 

She wants to run from their room right in this moment. To curl up into little, pathetic ball of sadness, cry and vomit petals at the same time. She takes a few breaths and with stoic face and voice says

“Actually I did forget to mention that Scorpia and Entrapta are making ‘super trio night’ and I will be out for a night today.”

“Oh…okay….guess I will just study by myself tonight or do some assigments…”

Catra can tell that Adora is disappointed but at this moment she’s physically unable to give her any consolation. She quickly packs some stuff into her backpack and she’s gone, rushing quick ‘Night’ to Adora.

All way to her best friend house is blurred and painful. She can almost feel growing stems in lung, reaching higher, expanding and pulsating with her insides. She doesn’t know if this is because of this process or mixed emotions but brunette becomes drained.

It’s small miracle when she finally arrives just to vomit petals on the threshold of Scorpia’s apartment doors. It hurts like nothing before. She tries to gain composure again but notices blood. Blood on the petals. Actualy, no. Petals are laying in small pool of blood. Of course in this moment Scorpia opens the door.

“OH MY FUCKING GOD, WILDCAT!” 

Scorpia never. NEVER. Swears. So Catra knows that this exclamation is not because of seeing her persona in doorway, but seeing pool of blood and flowers. Then Scorpia starts to cry. Very loudly. So loudly that fucking Entrapta emerges from the apartment because for her ‘Scorpia crying sadly’ falls to the same category as ‘abnormality’. Sure, the big innocent dum-dum cries awful lot of times…but never like that. She knows. And for Entrapta only one glance is enough. She knows too.

Feeling utterly defeated Catra silently comes to her best friends apartment, she admits all truth and is welcomed with nothing but care and support. She does feel better after telling about this someone and at the same time she feels worse, because for her friends it is still a hurtful situation. Even Entrapta after few typical questions falls silent for the rest of the evening.

“Okay, look I did have time to think about all of this and tonight I’m really tired of dealing with it even more, so can we just…I dunno…watch some bullshit comedy about happy people, eat some junk food and just appreciate our meeting?”

Scorpia weirdly cry-laughs at that

“Sure Wildcat, your wish is my command. Entrapta did had some really good rom coms in her movie library”

“You mean my source of typical romantic stereotypisation, tropes, and human interactions in media?”

“Yes ‘Trapta, exactly that” 

“Ooooh I have to bring my journal if so, it did lack some data about those.”

Catra actually laughs at their friends interaction and rest of the evening and night isn’t that bad.

She wakes up next morning with a feeling that she doesn’t want to come back to her own dorm. Of course Scorpia would be happy to provide place to sleep another night, hell, she probably would be overjoyed if Catra would stay another day. Catra knows better that she has to come back because her own curiosity wouldn’t let her rest.

She still tries to spend most of the day at uni. Luckily she did have many lectures today and she stays even after them to do some lino cutting in spare room. So when she finally drags herself to dorm it’s dark outside. Adora is already in their room sitting stiffly on her own bed and it’s looking like she was waiting for Catra. She locks their eyes as soon as Catra moves beside doorframe.

“Hey”

“Hey”

They share a moment of unease silence. Catra actually forces herself to move and put her stuff in her side of the room.

“Sooo, how was your night with friends?”

“surprisingly good”

“Hm it’s good I suppose…”

Another moment. Catra is putting pencils, sketchbook and her laptop in their right places as she ask with her back turned to Adora.

“How was your date?”

“It was…okay”

She tries not to think about this deeply. She takes a quick glance at Adora though.

“Huh…I guess it’s okay”

“Yeah”

They don’t talk anymore but this night Adora sleeps at her own bed.

Next few days are uncomfortable. Adora spends time with Brad, which makes Catra spend her time with Scorpia or at Uni. Her best friends are very supportive, Entrapta even offers to arrange surgery in which she will help, but Catra does notice worried or sad glances at her from time to time. In consequence brunette tends to rather spend her time at Uni.

At evenings Adora talks to her, repeating all her date schedule, or what Brad said, what did they do and Catra mostly listens or nods. She didn’t need to know details, but she feels that Adora wants to share…and it keeps her posted about how Adora relationship is going. Which is kind of boring at the time. 

It comes at surprise when Catra observes that her roommate isn’t that excited at prosper of spending time with her BOYFRIEND. Weird, isn’t it? Then, somewhere about their fourth date Adora asks Catra if she wants to spend evening watching a movie or something similar. When asked ‘aren’t you busy with Brad’, she simply stated that she still wants to spend time with her best friend. At ‘best friend’ brunette stompted that stupid feeling of hope and came back to sulking.

When Catra finally meets Brad it’s not planned. She walks to their dorm room for some of her supplies and he’s already standing in the kitchen. He shamelessly checks her out and says

“Some fine ass you are”

And THAT crossed all possibilities to be friends with him. No wait, scratch that, that’s when her first impression occurred, and she didn’t like to lean on it exclusively. People most of the time are something more than ‘first impression’, she knew it too well. No, it was when he slapped her ass when she was passing by, a minute after his greeting. Catra didn’t hesitated – she punched him straight to his ugly as fuck face. He stumbled back little, probably from shock and luckily that was the moment Adora came back from her lectures.

“Ah, you’re both here, great! Catra I wanted you to meet Brad. Catra-Brad, Brad-Catra.”

“Yeah I think I’ve meet him enough”

Blonde was oblivious to the tension in the room.

“Do you have any lectures? We could watch a movie together or go somewhere?”

Brad slowly walked to talking Adora and positioned himself next to her side, sneaking his arm around Adora’s waist. Asserting dominance, huh? Someone’s ego was scratched a little. Catra tried not to glare at him, but had locked eyes with him. He exasperated his gesture only to make brunette catch it as he moved his hand down, in direction of his girlfriend’s rear. Catra ALMOST growled at that and he definitely noticed her reaction. Other girl shook from her anger and tried to quickly come up with excuse

“I still have drawing lessons, I’m only here for supplies” She stated coldly and made her way for said items.

As Brad moved his hand, touch made Adora uncomfortable, especially this kind of blunt one, and especially when her bosom friend was standing before her. She moved from her position to make herself a coffee and waited for Catra’s answer.

At that answer however Adora frowned. She was living with Catra for third month and knew her schedule as back of her hand. Her roommate didn’t have any lessons this day at this hour. That why she invited Brad to spend time with them. Something clearly was wrong. Catra did’t even looked at her when delivering answer, she was clearly glaring at Brad. Maybe those two had hostile encounter just before her arrival? She knew now that Brad wasn’t…well, wasn’t that nice of a guy sometimes and his opinions could be very confronting for Catra…but blonde was still trying to figure out how relationships worked and for now, Brad had only big mouth, no actions occurred. Some weak voice did warn her that maybe under different circumstances he wouldn’t be only talk. It wasn’t first time this though crossed her mind and it scared her, but Adora did promised to Bow and Glimmer and to herself that she would respect her own boundaries, which she made before agreeing to date with her classmate. That promise calmed down her freaking out friends and made herself feel somewhat better.

When Catra leaves their room she can’t hide disappointment.

“Hey babe, don’tcha worry, at least this way you won’t have to share Brad with someone else.”

Oh no. Third person. She almost wanted to shout after Catra to take her to her drawing lessons, and that urge made her think. Again.

After few hours she makes her goodbyes with Brad with a simple and fast peck and waits for Catra. She saw their weird pattern already, but for now it didn’t failed them and cornered Catra did tend to speak her mind. It was very late when other girl made appereance so drained Adora didn’t played gentle and asked bluntly

“What’s your problem this time?” 

Okay, she understood her mistake in the moment she made it. Phrasing. Aggressive phrasing. Recalling previous events. What was the worst, THE WORST thing though was Catra expression when her roommate words hit her. Hurt. Sorrow. Guilt. Dissappointment. And finally – anger.

“Wha the fuck you mean by that?!” other girl bite back

“I d-din’t, look-“

“No, you look, I’m fucking trying, but being vurneable and open about feelings isn’t FUCKING EASY and you have SOME FUCKING GUTS to find fault in me when you don’t even FUCKING SAY WHAT YOU WANT, being open yourself!”

“Wha-“

“You know what I’m talking about, you finally made it to Uni, but still choose what your parents told you?! And what then, they will deal with your job and for the rest of your fucking life you will be doing what others want you to do?! What you really want Adora?! From life, from others?! JUST. FUCKING. ASK. FOR. IT!”

Adora wasn’t ready to unpack that bomb. She was carrying it for some time, but she didn’t want to do it now, and wanted to look at this matter more thoroughly. So she panicked. Every fibre of her being screamed 'RETREAT' and to do it, she had to put her defences.

“What do you care about what I want”

Silence. Just silence. Three seconds. Six. Ten. Ten seconds and it was brutally splited by Catra somehow desperate and dry laugh.

“Of course, why would your - how you would call it? - ‘best friend’ cared for you? You know what, you’re right. I don’t care anymore.” 

With that Catra just left. Everything slowly sinked in Adora and just little after brawl she was sobbing wreck. She did only rational thing that came to mind – called Bow and Glimmer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny story, when I announced to my dear friend/bro that I've wrote this and it's about hanahaki, she was like "...who has it?",  
> as I answered she reacted with "Bitch I knew you like Catra more"....and at that I've only delivered confused noises.


	6. “Oh that would be my first death I been always afraid of”

Catra was siting in the graphics cathedral where normally she would be cutting lino, or transferring it, but she was quite far ahead with it, so instead she was just making more illustrations for other subject. 

Catra and her art was a quite of story. Most people wouldn’t take Catra as artsy type, more musician with her bad habits, overall sassines or ‘don’t care’ attitude. But it wasn’t her cup of coffee. At some point of her life, when she was living with her foster parents, she discovered an intimate way of expressing herself. Of course way before her expressive work, she had to excercise. And she did. Hours and hours, at school during some boring lessons, at home, days and nights. It was something almost kind of sacrum for her. There was just her, music and drawing. At the beginning she would hide her more creative work, because she was still grasping at the concept of drawing anything she would like just because she could. Then she went into more symbolism in her works and in some way it meant that she wanted dialogue or in Catra situation – rather a reaction, because at some point her works become controversional, bold, but perfected from technical perspective. And when she discovered that in this way she could talk and world couldn’t talk back - or could, but it wouldn’t change her work – she become entraced to it. Studying at the University helped her expand those desires. It didn’t meant that she was just controversional, no, Catra loved various artistic mediums, learning about them, even when she did know that she wouldn’t end working with typography, but it did expand her perspective to how to look at books or magazines. And still at the center of that was feeling of peace when she was working. 

So, as Adora started dating Brad, Catra was spiralling into her art. Thing which actually sealed this was her brawl with her roommate. After that, she had the worst attack of her disease, well, worst at the time. She wanted to feel better just a little, even if some external, mechanical factor made her. So she did only thing could make her from biological standpoint feel better. She started smoking. After 3 years of break. She spend more of her time at workshops at University, painting here, making lino, illustrations, excercises in Photoshop, almost everything, just to avoid another meeting with Brad, or talking about him with Adora. At some point she was kind of glad that her roommate wasn’t that enthusiastic about him, but at the same time it stirred in her question: Why? If she didn’t like him romantically, why she was still dating him? Maybe she wanted to be sure? Or maybe it was some christian influence? Catra couldn’t tell. If she was thinking that first weeks with hanahaki were hard, oh boi was she wrong. Since Brad Catra was thinking she could die any moment. Pain become part of her daily routine but it wasn’t that bad for the most of the time. It was worse when she saw them together. Or when Brad was talking about Adora as some object or thing to pleasure him. She had bad luck to actually stumble on him when she was walking through other deparments. Staying at workshops had very valid pros – there weren’t that many people and due to that, she could freely puke bloody petals in University bathroom. And she was vomiting them three times per day at this point. They weren’t always bloodied tho – they did come like that after encounters with Adora boyfriend mostly. At days like that she was worn out, couldn’t eat because of burning throat, and sometimes couldn’t even sleep at night.

So, she was siting, and making illustrations which did express what she was feeling – most of them where black and white with addition of red, and they represent mostly defragmented bodies, suffocating persons, torsos without a face or head, sometimes just mix of limbs, things like that. She was actually cuting another sheet of paper with some imprints of her hand in ink when she heard familiar voice

„Wow….those are…dark. Sure everything is alright?”

She turned her head around to look at Glimmer looming just above her shoulder, looking with a serious expression at her works.

„Awww, you asking like you would care” Catra only responded

Glimmer furrowed brows at that.

„Listen I know you still consider me more as Adora’s friend or best friend, but I actually…God I can’t believe I will actually say that…kind of like you or at least kind of respect you”

Glimmer was right. There was time when she said things Catra didn’t like, which Glim did admit later were stupid of her, something about abuse or thing she had no idea at the time. But Glim did backed off and admited her stupidity. So after that they kind of hit off nicely. It helped that they both were art Majors. Catra did apprecieate Sparkles sass or boldness and after some time she had to admit that pink haired girl was loyal and caring for her friends. 

„So cut off with that, I know you well enough to conclude that something is wrong”

Maybe some other time Catra would apprecieate Sparkles care. But she was drained, sleep and nutrient deprived. So of course she snapped.

„LIKE HELL YOU KNOW ME WELL ENO-„ she couldn’t end her sentence, because of her coughing

„FUCKIGHHC-GODDHHMT-SHIIIEETHGH” Catra was choking at her own words. She couldn’t control it any longer, she started vomiting bloodied petals.

Glimmer was stuned and shocked. At first she was just looking with wide eyes, then she was on her knees, next to vomiting Catra, rubbing her back and whispering calming sentences. After few minutes Catra was breathing normally, but after this attack she could feel something heavy resting on her lungs.

„Catra…” pink haired girl prompted with shaking voice „…since when?"

Catra was too worn out to stop her tears.

„…it’s sixth month”

„…is it Adora?”

Of course she would know. Well, it wasn’t that hard to guess too, if someone knew Catra enough and observed her interactions with Adora.

Catra standed up only to walk slowly to the nearest wall and sit at the ground, leaning with her back on the wall. 

„…yes”

„Why didn’t you tell her?”

Catra scoffed at that question.

„Thank you Sparkles but I didn’t want to die immediately after that. Besides…we both know Adora…I don’t want to guilt trip her into this or look at her making pointless sacrifices.”

Glimmer just nods, thinking for a few minutes at Catra’s words and then opens her mouth few times and at last she says

„You know….I’ve had it too”

„WHAT?!”

Glimmer chuckles at Catra bewildered reaction.

„Yeah, with Bow actually, but we don’t talk with people about it casually. It was very dramatic… and very intimate.”

„Oh…good for you that it ended well though” Catra says and there isn’t any sarcasm in her tone. It’s genuine.

„Yeah, but I can tell exactly how you feel, y’know. Well…I wasn’t actually that far to start vomit that much of blood, but…”

Catra looks at mess she made

„Shit, I will clean this up just in a moment. It is a first that bad attack though…but the others aren’t far from that…”

Catra doesn’t know what makes her open about but maybe she’s to tired to care

„It took worse turn when Brad…appeared. God if he wasn’t so…disgusting….maybe it would be easier”

„God I know what are you talking about, guy is insufferable”

Catra furrows her brows at that

„Wait….you don’t like him?”

Glitter frowns

„Hell no, this guy is total imbecile”

„Heh, so it isn’t just my jealousy…why she is dating him though?”

Glimmer sighs at that question

„I think that she doesn’t know what love, affection or um, you know, need, actually feels like. Maybe she’s even polite because he noticed her, paid her attention. But it’s clear that she doesn’t love him or even like him that much.”

„Wow. That sucks”

Glimmer laughs at it.

„Well at least she respects herself at it, and doesn’t just blindy obliges him.”

„Yeah, hurray, at least she’s not total people pleaser, who would thought that…and even can respect herself a little! Way to go girl.”

Other girl winces at it a little

„Yeah, Bow wanted to talk to her about it actually. Figures if you’re not there to tell her she’s acting stupid, someone must.”

Catra is trying to calm her shaking hands „Do you think she’s acting stupid right know? You’re not telling me this because of the disease, right?”

Glimmer is looking at Catra

„No, we want to talk to her about actually doing things she wants, which also includes her major. She told us about your quarrel. When you told her she should be doing something she wants? Well, Adora appears to not think about that at all and it doesn’t seem healthy.”

Catra knew that. She was especially phrasing things like simple questions to know what Adora wanted, to promt something even if it would be something as small as pizza preference, but from some time it grew to things which were more significant like talking to Adora about coming back to her house for holidays or staying at campus, and Adora was slightly better at expressing what she wanted. Of course half of succes was asking appropiate question.

„It’s good idea, do adress tho that she should ask herself what she wants, because not every people will be this considerate to think about it for her” Catra says while standing and moving back to her illustrations.

„Yeah, we kind of thought about that for a while, Bow might actually have written all different dialogues, questions in one of his textbooks”

They both laugh at that.

„Are you going back to work or are you…?” Glimmer asks

„…I think I will be here for a while, you know, getting it out of my system through art or some bullshit like that.”

Glimmer gives her small smile at that but drops it when saying

„Did you….did you think about, um…surgery?”

Catra stops moving sheets of paper and looks at Glimmer in all her seriousness.

„Yeah, I did. But we both know that it is expensive…and I could die in a process…or even don’t feel any stronger emotion for ever. And I don’t know if it wouldn’t be worse…Glim, all my life I was trying to pressure myself to feel less, act less, express less. And now I need those emotions to create, because I have an awful lot of things to say. If I couldn’t anymore because of lack of fuel, or sensivity…it would be just another way of dying.”

Catra did notice that Glitter’s eyes were becoming wet. They stood in a silence. Glimmer looked somewhat crushed by her friend explanation. But she did gather energy to ask

„…aren’t you afraid of death…?”

At this question Catra couldn’t stop her own tears. Hell. Fear of death was always big part of her life, but when she was younger she wasn’t that desperate about living. She had very strong survival instincts for sure, but maybe it was more of some sick way to prove to Weaver something. After arriving at University though? She lived her life fully, with her art, friends…Adora. It was even before discovering that she was sick. Gradually she did feel love for whole living concept, so something taking away everything from her was…horrifying. And Catra knew it was childlish to see things that way – everyone was scared of death, but it is something inevitable. Better not drag yourself down with worrying about it when you can live to the fullest. That was the thing she used to repeat to herself. Or rather it was until first fucking petal left her mouth. Now there were moments at night when she was crushing with fear, her own insecurites. It was slowly taking away her sanity. At nights like that she would come outside their dorm room, sit in the corridors and smoke ciggarettes. She wasn’t fan of alcohol or drugs, thanks to Weaver but ciggarettes did calm her down and even prompted something like nostalgia in her.

„Fuck Glimmer that was damn fucking stupid question”

„Sorry sorry, just…maybe it’s better to live, even without something stronger?”

„I don’t know. But it is somehow not worth all those money when I get something like 50-60% chances of succes to not be emotional bitch anymore”

Pink haired girl let a humorless chuckle at that.

„I still think you should talk about it with Adora, I see your point but what if you’re wrong at the core problem of it?”

That did suprise Catra a little

„What? What are you talking about?”

„…what if Adora DOES like you?”

Catra was orbiting near that question for very long time. And she couldn’t disagree that anwser to that question might be because of her subjective perspective.

Glimmer knew that though. She was observing Catra and Adora for some long chunk of time. She saw their shy chemistry, or rather intimacy. She knew that both of her friends did have their own problems though, insecurites that did stop blossoming of those feelings into something more. Catra was scared of being exposed, rejected and lonely if Adora decided to end their relation and Glimmer could very well understand this. Unfortunately she could likewise understand that Adora had very limited life, was struggling with defining her own world which did expand thanks to leaving her parents, and had problems with anxiety. Thats why this whole situation was difficult and sad. But Glimmer did want to help their friends, something like a plan was forming in her head and she was glad that they decided with Bow to act now, even if they didn’t know about Catra’s disease.

„…it would be heartbreaking if she wouldn’t and I am afraid that this would end me faster. Glim….she lived at horribly strict christian house, even if she was gay it would come after some really hard struggling probably. And I would want to drag her through that only for my sake, because at the end there could be possibility that she was wrong about being gay. That’s what I meant when I did say „sacrifices”. Or overall helpfulness of this dork”

Glimmer did respected that Catra was very considerate of Adora’s feelings, that she cared about her insanely. It didn’t help this situation though. She sighed n-th time this afternoon.

„Okay, can’t do much about it now, but I wouldn’t be that hopeless…and Catra…think again about telling Adora truth. And I don’t mean like now, you could always confess later…when you will feel worse…and let Adora be at least little helpful at that time...it isn't fair with her”

She did apprecieate that Glimmer wasn’t saying things bluntly like „death” or „end”. It made her scared less of it. And she was kind of right.

„Hmmm, okay I can do that much.”

„Glad to hear that. Okay I will be going for now, good luck with your projects”

„Yeah….” Catra gulps loudly „thanks Glimmer….and have a nice day”

Glimmer did get that this was vurneable moment for Catra so she just smiles, nods, waves at her and leaves.

When Catra doesn’t hear anymore footsteps in hallway she looks at pile of flower petals mixed with scary amount of blood and stands to clear her mess.


	7. “You look dumb now that I've come to my senses”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Huge thank you to amazing Bean Man, they did great work beta reading this chapter <3

Adora tries to calm down or at least be less obvious about this whole situation. She sits in Glimmer’s and Bow’s apartment while mentioned duo was making her tea. She knew what this talk would be about and she wasn’t scared of the topic itself. She was scared of being honest. She couldn’t tell which answer would be wrong or right. She had to admit that lately she was very confused about…well, everything. Freedom was scary, and really overwhelming and something she wasn’t used to. It really helped that Catra was near and was trying to make (not forcibly though) her say what she wanted. So generally it wasn’t that bad. It became bad when she met Brad. She took it as a chance to explore something about herself. Unfortunately it was Brad she took a chance with, and after several dates she understood what kind of person he was. And that meant a shallow imitation of an alpha male. The more time she spent with him, the more insufferable he was, mostly because of his opinions or behavior or just nasty comments. It was nice to be noticed, she had to admit, but in this case it was more like – I noticed you so you should be thankful and do nice things for me. So after suffering through a few dates, Adora started putting distance to Brad but understood that it wasn’t fair nor nice so after some more time, she told him frankly that she had to think about their ‘relationship’, if you could call this disaster that, and asked for some time and space. Of course he didn’t listen. He was constantly nagging her during their lessons, texting her, calling or even trying to visit. She was exhausted.

What was making everything worse was Catra. Or rather lack of her. Since Adora told her about Brad, something was wrong. Catra wasn’t spending much time in their dorm, instead she would stay at workshops, working until a guard would have to come for her, saying that they were closing the whole campus. After their quarrel it was somewhat established that Catra stayed at uni for most of her time. When she did come back, it was late in the evening and she would go straight to sleep. What made Adora worry even more was the physical appearance of her roommate. She always was kind of skinny, muscled but skinny, but now…it was more unhealthy skinny with dark circles under her eyes. Her usual energy was absent. Heck, she even lacked expressiveness. That was really scary for Adora, but she didn’t have time between uni and a persistent Brad to talk to her and Catra’s absence didn’t make catching her for a talk easier. And she felt guilty about words she said to her roommate. The blonde suspected that it went this way because both of them seemed tired with their own problems.

At some point, though, Adora had to acknowledge some really confusing and weird thoughts. And they concerned Catra and Brad. Adora couldn’t sort her feelings about either of them. During first dates with Brad, she always thought how it would be way better with Catra. Or overall thinking this way about her friend. Adora truly tried hard to sort all of it into some logical conclusion, but she was lacking something. The only idea she eventually would come with was that she wanted to date Catra. That idea was established on her third date with Brad and since then she caught herself having even weirder thoughts. She tried to think about physical aspects. And with that she reaaaally had to re-evaluate what she knew or didn't know about herself. It took a long time to realize that she didn’t blush or become flustered with Brad, not even once, while with Catra it was natural occurrence due to their banter. And oh boi, why didn’t anyone tell Adora that their banter was super flirty almost to the point of feisty from Catra’s side. And ironically, Adora only noticed because of lack of it with Brad. Then she started to wonder if she had something similar to that with the rest of her friends and the answer was simply – no. And here she had to touch the HARD part. If she actually wanted Catra psychically. And that did weird things within Adora’s own body. She couldn’t believe what mere thoughts unleashed. But after a solid analysis she had to (yes, again) admit that maybe it wasn’t anything new. Maybe she was…in denial. After that she had to stop and take a little break. She needed help with that. So, firstly she did research - read some internet articles, pages about people who had similar stories to her. It was helpful. But she wanted something more.

And that is how she ended where she was now. After her last class she caught Bow, but he didn’t give her a chance to talk, asking her to come over for tea and friendly talk. She had suspicions that what prompted this was Brad. Again. She was happy to go though.

Her internal reminiscing slash analysing was cut short by Glim.

“Adora, hey sweetie, look. We won’t push you into anything you don’t WANT to talk about. So we have this clear, but we are growing concerned about you.”

How they noticed that something was wrong but no one was interrogating Catra right now, she couldn’t understand. Well…maybe being kind of unstable did give her away.

“We wanted to talk about your relationship with Brad – what you EXPECT from it, also about your major and what you WANT from it, but at the essence of all this we wanted to ask you what you truly WANT.”

Adora should have noticed earlier emphasis on ‘want’ in Glimmer sentences.

“You know we only care about your well being righ-“

Okay it was time to start talking, they were going into a loop.

“Look guys, I actually know about that and wanted to come talk to you. I know that I don’t like Brad, I’ve told him to give me space to think but he’s just so insistent and deaf. And also…there is um, t-the other thing.”

Her friends share a quick look but return their attention to Adora.

“What do you mean by ‘other thing’?” Bow asks softly

Adora is letting out a shuddering breath and slowly talks to her friends.

“I..I um…think…That I could be like…dunno gay or something?”

“OH FUCK!”

Adora looks startled by the unexpected reaction coming from Glimmer.

“WHERE IS CATRA?!”

That is even more confusing for Adora.

“GLIMMER CALM DOWN!” Bow voice cracks while screaming

At that Adora thinks that it’s safe to be worried.

“OKAY…OKAY...First of all – Adora, we’re actually sooo happy for you! We thought that all this conversation woukd be pressuring you delicately to tell what you want from life and look at you!” Glimmer can’t stop smiling while saying all this softly (which isn’t what she is usually doing with her voice)

"Our little baby is growing up!” Bow exclaims happily

"Oh, okay I understand, but why did you ask where Catra is…um did you guys have had um…..dunno….some m-more suspicions…?” Adora ask cautiously

Bow and Glimmer stop immediately. They’re looking shocked at Adora.

"Oh…..s-so you probably didn’t” she says embarrassed by setting a trap at herself

"ADORA!!! EXPLAIN! NOW!” pink haired girl is shouting now

"I’m not sure that’s why I’m here, look I know that you were best friends before being a couple so I wanted to ask is it possible to deny something like…um” now Adora’s face is getting all red "y’know…um, some kind of desires….?” And at that she can’t say anything more, feeling somewhat ashamed by all this situation, or exposition.

Her friends know her better though. They sit at either side of her and gently hug her.

"Look Adora, you grew in very strict, toxic environments, it’s totally normal that you wouldn't have noticed everything earlier, you probably even didn’t have a chance to look at it from another perspective.” Glimmer is explaining to her slowly and kindly.

"Yeah, you’re growing more yourself, Adora, in a more healthy place, so it’s okay to discover something about yourself. It's probably scary or overwhelming but it definitely is a good thing” Bow adds rubbing her back.

At this point Adora can’t stop her tears. So she submits, sobbing quietly in her friends' arms.

After some time she feels better. Until she remembers what she now has to do.

"Guys…what about Catra?”

Both her friends seems confused at that question

"What about her?”

"What if she wants just to be friends?”

At that Glimmer actually plants a facepalm and mumbles something sounding similar to "idiots”, so it’s Bow turn to dive into it more.

"Adora…First of all, Catra is hella gay and you know that because it’s not something she hides. Second of all, you’re already kind of flirty with her, and lastly…don’t you think it’s worth a shot? If you do it you will at least have some closure, but otherwise…wouldn’t it be amazing to be with Catra?”

Bow knows what he is talking about and Adora is painfully aware of that. She couldn’t not agree with him.

"Okay okay, so…now I need to officially break up with Brad, then by some miracle I need to find Catra and then confess. Piece of cake. Really.”

"Oh, Catra is probably in the graphic workshop tho…” Glimmers says before thinking if it is right to tell that piece of information to Adora.

"Huh…how do you know that and I don't…?” Adora comes back to confusion.

Pink haired girl frowns at that

"Don’t tell her that but I was checking on her.”

"You WHAT?”

"Yeaaah, she’s kind of looking hella sick lately so I thought it was worth a shot asking her about that and eventually getting yelled at."

And that makes Adora CONCERNED. So it wasn’t just her seeing that her roommate didn’t look healthy. Hell, it was so bad that Glimmer actually went to check on Catra.

"OKAY NOW I HAVE TO GO TAKE CATRA TO HOSPITAL”

When she exclaims that, she stands up and quickly makes her way to the apartment's door.

"ADORA WAIT!”

It’s Bow who catches her by shoulder to ground her a little

"Listen, we know you’re worried but maybe talk to her about this before taking her to hospital? Okay? Just making sure you know you can’t pack her into a bus and throw her at the hospital's front desk, ok?”

Adora just nods determined to find Catra FAST.


	8. “I don't remember your face, Or your hair, or your name, or your smile”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Again thank you kindly Bean Man, for beta-ing this chapter, you're awesome <3

Another painful day is coming to an end and Catra is kind of glad. Lately she only truly rests at night. Not always of course. Mostly she just sleeps some peaceful hours until she wakes up on the verge of another panic attack. In some sarcastic way it makes breathing EVEN harder. What is actually ironic is that smoking cigarettes helps. She started with smoking one per night but now Catra easily fits in ‘smoking before uni even if there is actual prohibition of smoking’ student category. She was laughing at this weird phrase she heard of at the beginning of her career here, until she saw how students are actually sitting on the chairs before her department entrance, and smoking DIRECTLY under plate ‘no smoking’. At some cruel point she didn’t even care that she was smoking in the hallway of her dormitory floor. She knew other people didn’t like this smell, but she was dead tired and didn’t care. She took a drag just before unlocking her room doors. She got a spare key by putting some lie about her roommate, but she didn’t care about that either. She was surprised when doors seemed to be unlocked but she didn’t even look at the concierge to see if Adora was here already so she just shrugged at that and entered the room. She didn’t even put down the cigarette and she knew Adora would be an ass about them. She mindlessly entered the shared room and only then everything finally clicked, upon spotting Brad standing before Adora’s bed, waiting alone in the room.

“The fuck are you doing here?”

Brad doesn’t appear to be happy to see Catra either.

“I didn’t wait for you bitch. What did you tell Adora?! Why is she avoiding me?! It’s probably cause of your fag ass!”

“Whoah, bruh, you’re coming with strong words here, so you can either get the fuck out right now or I will call for the landlady and then you will be getting the fuck out slowly, your pick.”

He’s furious. Mere seconds and he’s next to Catra punching her at chest and pinning to the wall.

Catra should know better to stay silent. Unfortunately that’s not how she works all her life, so instead she chuckles and says

“Hah, what now, did Adora finally realize what a piece of shit you are?”

At that he starts choking Catra and it does silence her. Pain is white. She always imagined it would be red but it is white. Horrifyingly white, making her vision lost in the white noise, disorienting her, helping her to forget what is going on right to the border of forgetting who she is now.

“What’s your fucking problem dyke? Jealous because she will dance around my dick and not yours?”

Catra is boiling at those words, struggling to say anything but Brad only chokes her stronger.

“You think I wouldn’t notice how you look at her? Or how she’s only talking about you? Don’tcha worry, one night and it will change her preferences.''

That's the limit. Last days were fucking hell, she was devastated, depressed, weakened and only bad emotion she did lack in this set was pure fucking anger. She kicks Brad in his crotch but it's the only thing she can do before vomiting. She can see in her peripheral vision that Brad is taking a few steps back and laughing at this whole show, because now he does get his final proof of Catra’s love for her best friend.

In some cruelly lucky way she doesn’t have to worry about that anymore, because her vision starts to blur slowly. She does register some commotion around her but is just so disoriented about everything.

Paint is horrifyingly white and makes her forget.


End file.
